A leap of faith

This will be a long post and maybe a little confusing of ramblings and the thoughts of my head and heart :D

Finally taking a step to go back to Indonesia.
I can't believe it's been almost 6 months i'm stepping my foot at this place i now call home.
It's might not be the best decision but i do think it's the right thing to do.
I hope in time my parents will agree :) i think now there's on 70-30 not yet 100%

on my decision:
I didn't choose to stay because it seemed like is the easy way out; the easiest escape from my life and what i should do. I've lived a comfortable-secure-routine life in the US. I figured that going back home would make me stronger. That I would learn more there, and in the midst of life's little tragedies I would somehow grow.
aaaannd the re-sounding message from Brenda Salter McNeil (Urbana06) that said "Don't settle"

Although i can't deny that i terribly miss what i left behind :(
In Indo:
-I cherish my family time; time of praying together, breakfast, dinner, watching tv, to serve my parents in cooking and cleaning when our maid went home on Lebaran. To be here on my dad's and mom's birthday, that i have been missing for the past 10 years.
-I love being able to see my best friends again! to chat, share, shop, eat together, take pictures, being able to be here on their birthdays!!! and hopefully to all the coming-soon special occasions :D
-I did my mission trip! blessed and humbled <3 and blessed <3 again <3

Struggles:
- ministry, a whole lot different(the people, the rules, the program) and i really hate how some rules are not biblical yet need to be followed. I'm still finding my passion in this area, and my own personal reason with God on why i wanna do it
- job, although i'm extremely grateful for a God-loving boss, i wonder if i'm a good fit for this company, because clearly now i'm not doing accounting, different from what i expect it would be, different from things that i know-how-to and it doesn't necessarily bad. It's just a whole learning process, and i really wanna be effective and beneficial for the company
- family expectation (in career, life, love). i think this is self-explanatory
- to not loose sight from God; my purpose, my goal, my reason, my all

I might never know what the best decision is or the outcome if i didn't leave (will just might be better than my unstable condition now) but (convincing myself; i hate the fact that i need to convince myself; I'm sorry God that i am a woman of little faith):
I know i am responsible to trust in God, who knows the desires of my heart
In all uncertainties of life, God is the most certain! to whom i can hold on to and rely on, and no expectation of God will be too high, because He exceeds things and mind and condition and situation in all explanation possible.
and I should've known better because He's been good and forever will be.
Amen!

As i'm convinced and/or continue learning to be, i hope you are too, in whatever uncertainties you faced now, we're in it together and thank God for a God who never cease to convince us :)

I miss you all and you know who you are.
Always be in my prayer :)

You can stay under my umbrella, ela ela e e...

Image Courtesy lisagraff.com
Umbrella Bookmark

I made this for ci kiki's babyshower favors
Why umbrella -> because it's a shower, get it :p
and why bookmark - because she likes to read

Instructions and template taken from:
http://www.lisagraff.com/abouttemplate2.html

the process

'voila!

Happy trying :)
I hope it will help for your next DIY events

Note to self

May the words of my mouth...

Psalm 19:14
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.



***Sing a long***

Verse 1:
May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart
Bless Your name, bless Your name, Jesus
And the deeds of the day and the truth in my ways
Speak of You, speak of You, Jesus

Chorus:
For this is what I'm glad to do
It's time to live a life of love that pleases You
And I will give my all to You
Surrender everything I have and follow You
I'll follow You

Verse 2:
Lord, will You be my vision, Lord, will You be my guide
Be my hope, be my light and the way
And I'll look not for riches, nor praises on earth
Only You'll be the first of my heart

Celebration of love

March 14 is my parents wedding anniversary
Even though i'm not really good with expressing my gratitude, i do appreciate it a lot and thankful each day for them. For staying together as a family, so i can have a good home and experience.

When I was at WCC, there's a lot of prayer and conviction regarding parents and child relationship, a lot of people having difficulty portraying God the father relationship because of their past relationship with their family. there's hurt and bondage that stays with them and affecting a lot of areas in there life now, even as grownups.

And i just thankful to God that i don't have that painful past, and that both my parents are affectionate and patient with me. through God and through them i was able to learn about love. It's not because of, it is inspite of and despite of... because we are all not perfect yet still loved.

*truly, deeply thankful*
praying so their love can continue to grow for each other in God and through that other people can experience love and God as well.

Decision

I was reading collin's park blog on the topic "Envy" (what he shared on last week pemuda session) and then i stumble upon this post/quote:

From Merton's Witness to Freedom:

[T]here is one basic idea that should be kept in mind in all the changes we make in life, whether of career or anything else. We should decide not in view of better pay, higher rank, "getting ahead," but in view of becoming more real, entering more authentically into direct contact with life, living more as a free and mature human person, able to give myself more to others, able to understand myself and the world better.
pp. 254-255, quoted in
Echoing Silence, Thomas Merton on the Vocation of Writing
edited by Robert Inchausti

I'm scared of changes that i know will be coming very very soon :(
i'm going back indo this time no more delaying, escaping nor denying
the harder road it is :'(
no financial stability
no definite future, except for heaven of course :'}
and tons and tons of hardships and struggles coming ahead
and questions like:
can i be a blessing there?
can i continue growing there?
can i finish strong?

on the other note, all these uncertainties teach me:
to be more dependent on Him as my provider and comfort, as my friend and God.

"I can't do this alone,
God I need you to hold on to me"
-Josh Wilson (Savior)

Beloved and Blessed

Updates updates :)
What is up in February:

1. WCC
Always enriched and encouraged after each WCC.
The theme this year was beloved; an awesome revelation and truth that we are so loved by God. a lot of time i "forgot" that i am His beloved. It's a really good reminder and be able to hear testimonies from people about their journey with God make me wanna have one as well! maybe one day i can be the one giving testimony hehehehe... or praying. There was this girl who introduces/prays before session/testimony and i was just so blessed by her prayer. And this time... i was quite sober hehehe i didn't cry... as much! :p

2. CANADA
Wohooooo!!! i didn't think i was going to have time for this trip. Last year a few people i know went there and i wasn't able to join them... i thought i will have to skip Canada before indo :( because i don't know when/ if my parents can come to pick me up before indo... but Thank God truly deeply for such an opportunity and a blessed trip that i was able to go :) God was gracious that He gave us an added bonus by giving us an excellent weather. You see, before we went, we kept on checking the weather and it was a wet days... we only get 1 sunny day. But, in reality we got nice weather for all days and 1 wet day. :))) and my highlight is the snow. All my life i didn't know that snow has shapes... they're gorgeous! snowflakes... our God is quite an artist i must say, they're(the snowflakes) shaped so beautifully <3 i'm in LOVE! and in awe <3



*blushed*